Romper Suburbia

This morning, at the bus stop, a man approached me, about 60 or so. Retiring age, at least, which is what makes sense given the rest of our conversation.

He asked me all about the bus that I was about to catch.
"Where does it go?"
"Where does it stop?"
"What are the nearest train stations? How long does it take to walk there? Is there a bus that goes in the direction of the trains?"

I was perfectly happy to submit to this inquisition, as I was only standing, listening to my iPod. I must admit, I was slightly curious as to why he was asking all these questions though, but he answered that question for me shortly.

"You see, I'm looking to move in to this neighbourhood and I'm doing a bit of research to see what it is like."

A flurry of questions as to the nature of the suburb erupted.

"What is it like, living here?"

It's nice. A good community atmosphere in the township.

"Is it quiet?"

Yeah. Usually, although the docks keep me awake sometimes. You get used to it.

"What type of people live here?"

Old and young. The people here are either yuppies or pensioners. But I didn't tell him that. Old and young is good enough for yuppies and pensioners, right?

"So, no kids?"

Yeah, not many kids. I was later told off by mum for neglecting to tell him about the group of mothers who prowl in packs around the area. Did I say 'prowl in packs'? I meant 'go walking in a communal group'.

"So,"

He says this as he leans towards me, away from the Asian couple also waiting at the bus stop.

"Are there many Asians living around here?"

He's leaning in now, like we share some great Anglo secret. I look at the Asian couple. They are completely unaware of what has just been said. Or rather, what has just been implied.

Yeah. A few 'Asians' live around here, I say. I wish I'd said more. At the time, truth be told, I thought I better not go into political correct vitriol mode as there could be a perfectly acceptable reason for him asking such a question. A perfectly acceptable reason? What tripe.

No, Mr. Retiree here is a class A racist. Not only are Asians inferior to him, all anglos must share some implicit bond that permits him to ask offensive questions of them like they share some great aryan bond.

Mr. Retiree asks a few more questions, thanks me and moves on.

I just get on my bus. Ugh.

If you read this blog backwards, you'll find Satanic messages...

While suffering extreme guilt about not doing homework when I am obviously required to do so (a common feeling that I am begining to get quite attached to), I also began to suffer guilt that I hadn't updated my blog in almost.... 6 days! As this feeling was a new one, and therefore nowhere near as easy to cope with (or enjoy) as the homework one, here I am, now, at your disposal, ready to waste five minutes of your time when you should be doing something else (and more power to you!).

My next problem was that I hadn't really any ideas for a blog entry. So after long hours of hard work and toil I have decided that in honour of my poor Harry Potter ravings (which, coincidentally have been proven correct) I should bring you my top ten conspiracy theories, both of the real and literary universes.


10. The Homeless are really Terrorists!

A personal favourite. As you can see by the overwhelming evidence presented as this reputable webage, the homeless are really jihadists out to get you. So next time you see a begger, you better be callin' that Terrorist hotline...

9. Satanic Messages are hidden in Pop Songs

If you play Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepplin backwards, and you listen *really* hard, you might make out these lyrics:

"Oh, here's to my sweet, sweet Satan. The one whose little path will make me sad, whose power is Satan. He'll give those with him 666, there was a little toolshed where he made us suffer, sad Satan."

Similarly, if you play Imagine by John Lennon backwards, you may hear:

"All the people war beside me"

And my personal favourite. When you play Britney Spear's "Hit me baby one more time" backwards, you may be inclined to hear:

"Ooh, Sleep with me, I'm not too young."

For more fun, and audio demos, go here

8. Elvis isn't dead

Seriously. He's living on mars.

7. Pokemon are part of the Jewish/Fascist/Zionist/Communist bid for world domination

We all know that Pokemon are a tool of revenge by an isolationist and resurgently nationalist Japan against the West for past traumas, but did you know that Pokemon are part of a Jewish-Zionist conspiracy to turn children away from Islam?

6. Google is anti-French

Google. Great for everything, even insulting the French, it seems. Apparently, if you go to Google and type in "French military victories" and click the 'I am feeling lucky' button, it comes up (very helpfully, I might add) with "Did you mean French military defeats?" Possibly not indicative of Google's position on the French in general, but funny nonetheless.

5. Dinosaurs never existed - the are forgeries done by evil Evolutionists!

This is a great one. Of course, to fit many creationist's notion that the world was created in 4004 BCE or thereabouts, Dinosaurs either did not exist or they have been dated incorrectly. This would place them living alongside us humans. Of course! Why didn't I notice that Tyrannosaurus Rex at Uni the other day?

4. Supershadow.com

This man is great. I could write an entire blog on how much he entertains me. For those of you not blessed to be in-the-know about SuperShadow, he's had a website for a few years in which he expounds his in-depth "knowledge" of Star Wars, including (but certainly not limited to): The plot for Episodes 7, 8 & 9, "Exclusive" interviews with George Lucas (who SuperShadow claims is his "best friend"), classy Princess-Leia-in-metal-bikini shots and perhaps the most fanciful section of all the website, SuperShadow's girlfriend.

3. Paul Is Dead

Paul McCartney was the first to die of the Beatles, obviously. Apparently, he was involved in a car accident (perhaps he didn't notice that the lights had changed?) and died. The Beatles, thirsting for more money and more hits, simply replaced him with a look-alike. Of course, Paul's successful solo career does nothing to disprove this at all. Great "evidence" for this can be found here, but for those with neither the time nor inclination, here are the highlights:

~ More satanic messages: When you play "Revolution #9" backwards, apparently you get "Turn me on, dead man".

~ "I believe in yesterday, suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be, there's a shadow hanging over me. Yesterday came suddenly..."

~ Apparently, if you take a mirror, or any shiny object and lay it horizontally across "LONELY HEARTS" on the drum on the cover of Sgt. Pepper, the top half of the words, combined with their mirror image, spells out "1 ONE 1 X HE ^ DIE", with the arrow pointing up towards Paul. This supposedly means: Three Beatles are left and the X is without Paul.

~ The lyrics to "Glass Onion": "Here's another clue for you all; the Walrus was Paul" is often taken to mean Paul is dead - Walrus is a symbol of death in some cultures.

There is a great analogy of the Abbey Road cover on the link I provided. If you need a good laugh, have a read of it...
Of course, my Dad's comment that he only heard of the Beatles "when they died" is of no relevance here.

2. The great asbestos hoax

This one is from my very dear friend Liam. Apparently, asbestos is in fact a giant conspiracy. It isn't harmful at all to us humans - quite the contrary: it contains the useful property of making anything it surrounds impenetrable to spy satellites. Thus, any building that uses asbestos cannot be watched by the government. Therefore, it is in the government's advantage to promote the 'dangers' of asbestos so everyone will remove it, thus opening up the gaps for Big Brother yet again! Ah, for the days I was at asbestos-ridden Mount Clear College and safe from prying eyes!

1. That this blog will ever be mildly entertaining

And what a cruel idea this is, having read all the way up to this point. My apologies, dear reader.



An honourable mention goes out to the theory that I had written a song inspired by Jeremy. Maybe I will, maybe I will...




Uhh, yeah. I promise more exiting content next time I get off my ass and update.

Toorah.